This week, UMass Amherst announced it had been awarded $173,404 to make its campus safer for birds, specifically to install window coverings that prevent birds from flying into glass.
The grant comes from the Massachusetts Department of Fish and Game’s Community Biodiversity Grant Program. It is part of a $1.1 million statewide initiative.
When WWLP shared the story on Facebook, the comments became the real story. For some people, dozy or unhinged high-speed birds flying into windows was a real concern. Others wondered why we’re spending money on healthcare for geese.
We read all of them. Here is our honest assessment.
The funny
Some people saw the headline, understood the assignment, and delivered.
Devon Dentzau kept it simple: “Bro I’ll make some birds feel super safe for $170k I promise.” No elaboration needed. Devon understood the assignment.
Shane Frenier went further: “For $173,000 I’ll run around dressed like a cat and scare them away from the buildings so they won’t crash into the windows.” Shane, for what it’s worth, this is a legitimate business proposal and we would like to see the pitch deck.
Marty Goulet suggested they buy the birds little helmets. This is technically the correct solution. Think about it. The windows stay, the birds stay, everyone is fine. The follow-on grant to protect students from helmet-wearing birds flying at full speed into their faces is someone else’s problem.
Junior C Richardson did the forensic accounting: “$150k for the administrator, $23k for luncheons and conferences, $404 for safer bird feeders.” Junior has clearly attended a municipal budget meeting before.
Tim Fenton delivered the most understated line in the entire thread: “Never saw any risky bird scenes there. A few PEOPLE have tried to fly on campus over the years.” Tim has lived here. Tim knows things.
Scott Potter gets an honorable mention for catching himself mid-comment: “Half the birds in Amherst need to be in a rubber room for their own safety. Oh, we’re talking actual avians. My bad.”
The angry
These are the people who were genuinely, deeply furious about birds receiving money. Which is, itself, extremely funny, but they do not know that.
A substantial portion of the comment section pivoted immediately to potholes. To be fair, the potholes in this region are a genuine civic crisis and we respect the consistency. Someone mentioned Route 24. Someone mentioned campus roads specifically. Riley Welch offered perhaps the most vivid pothole complaint in recorded Western Mass history, which we cannot reprint here but you can find easily enough.
The “what about student safety” contingent showed up in force, apparently unaware, as Mandy McCarthy pointed out with visible exasperation, that students literally started this initiative. The Make UMass Bird-Friendly program was student-led. The students are fine. The students wanted this.
Jon Toner wrote what can only be described as a one-act play: families starving, essential services slashed to the bone, children going uneducated, and then, birds. Jon, we hear you. Jon is going through something.
Two separate people invoked DOGE. One person somehow arrived at tampons in men’s bathrooms. We are not sure how they got there from bird safety but the journey was apparently short.
The ridiculous
These are the comments that left the track entirely and went somewhere no one asked them to go.
Diana Porebski asked whether the grant covers government spy birds. Diana, we cannot confirm or deny the surveillance activities of the campus bird population at this time.
The geese gang comment, suggesting UMass had simply made a deal with the geese, is the most accurate description of town-gown relations we have encountered in years.
And then there is Jeremy Gifford, who arrived at a post about window decals for birds and left a comment about UMass being sued for force vaccinating employees. Jeremy, we admire the commitment to staying on message when the message is entirely your own.
Should become a class at UMass
These are the comments that accidentally contained more insight than the people writing them probably intended.
Matt Hoey wrote: “That grant writer deserves a raise.” Henry Lanouette replied: “That was worked into the grant.” This two-comment exchange is the most efficient creative writing workshop we have ever witnessed and it should be taught in the journalism school.
Natty Chof entered the thread to inform everyone: “A lot of you don’t know about the peregrine falcons that nest on Du Bois Library and it showsss.” Natty is correct, and Natty is being generous. Peregrine falcons have nested on the roof of Du Bois Library since 2003. There is a live FalconCam. There is an annual conference called FalConference. There is a Twitter account. The most celebrated nesting pair raised 37 chicks. This is one of the genuinely remarkable things about this campus, and the triple-s at the end of “showsss” is doing significant work.
Kevin Marvelli dropped this quietly and walked away: “The same people ridiculing this are the ones screaming about birds being killed by wind turbines.” Kevin did not wait for a response. Kevin did not need to.
And finally, Paula Behnken, who arrived with the sharpest argument in the entire thread. She shared a story about being a little late to work one day. Because she was running behind, she had not yet reached her desk when a hawk, chasing a pigeon, came through the large plate-glass window she would have been sitting directly in front of. Her entire office was covered in glass and debris. Paula understood something nobody else in 200-plus comments bothered to say out loud: this was never just about the birds. Safer windows protect the people sitting in front of them too.
The birds, it turns out, are not the only ones at risk from glass.
